


boredom(?)

by alphigator



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types
Genre: Depression, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Kamukura Izuru Has Feelings, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, VERY slight on that last one i promise, ignore me. its like 4 am, ill fight you on that fact on GOD i love my boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 04:55:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23049664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alphigator/pseuds/alphigator
Summary: Izuru Kamukura is bored. Or, at least, that's what he tells himself this feeling is.
Relationships: Kamukura Izuru & Komaeda Nagito, Kamukura Izuru/Komaeda Nagito
Comments: 1
Kudos: 96





	boredom(?)

**Author's Note:**

> we get it you have depression

Boredom.

By all means, not something that is new to Izuru Kamukura. It is frustrating, overwhelming, all-encompassing, and a seemingly ceaseless presence in his head. He could be doing anything in the world he could possibly think of, and yet he only sits and stews, day in and day out. He’s so bored. He’s so bored he could almost cry. Why can’t he even cry? Is it too _boring?_

He feels hollow. Like the _shell_ of a human being he is. The whole world feels dull and vaguely irritating to him. He hates the world. He hates _himself._ Hates that everyone treats him like either a monster to be feared or a tool to be used, hates that it bothers him, hates that he can’t ever force himself to get up and _do something_ besides sit and wallow in self pity and loathing, _hates, hates, hates..._ Hatred and boredom. The last two remaining shreds of his humanity. What a miserable existence. Izuru hugs himself, digging his nails into his own skin. He drags his nails _hard_ across his flesh, because for God’s sake, he just wants to _feel something._ His vision starts to blur and his eyes start to sting. _Finally._ Baring his teeth at no one but himself, Izuru snarls quietly. 

Not quietly enough. His door, which was open a crack already (he’ll tell himself he forgot to close it, but when does he ever forget things?) opens further with a creak, and a head of white fluffy hair pokes inside. Nagito calls out to him, concerned at the sight of Izuru hunched over on his bed.

“...Izuru?” If he’s heard, he isn’t acknowledged. Nagito tries again, a little louder and firmer. To no avail. Finally, with a soft sigh, he enters the room fully, going over to sit next to Izuru. “Hey… What’s going on?” 

Startled from his near trancelike state, Izuru jerks away from the intruder sitting down beside him, before he realizes it’s only Nagito. The other man has put his hands up by his chest to show that he, just like he always promises again and again, means Izuru no harm. He smiles sheepishly.

“Ah, I didn’t mean to scare you…” Nagito reaches over and places a hand over the one Izuru has gripping the sheets like a vice. His smile fades, replaced with an earnest look of worry. It makes Izuru feel dizzy. “...What’s wrong, Izuru? Please talk to me.” 

“Nothing.” He shoots back. Nagito looks wholly unconvinced. “...I’m _fine._ ”

“You don’t look or sound fine.” He scoots closer to Izuru on the bed, gently reaching up to cup his face, the other hand lightly tracing the angry red lines now appearing on Izuru’s bicep. Clicking his tongue, Nagito tilts Izuru’s head up to look at him. “Oh, love… I wish you’d tell me what’s going on in your pretty head.” 

Izuru’s resolve begins to break down. He despised talking about what he was feeling almost as much as he despised the feelings themselves. But he couldn’t say no when Nagito asked him with that voice, full of all the love and care a monster like him didn’t deserve. With a resigned sigh, he bonks his forehead into Nagito’s chest. Immediately, he wraps his arms around Izuru.

“...I just want to feel something that isn’t this… endless boredom. It never stops. I don’t want to do anything or help myself or even _move_ sometimes. I can barely find the interest to take care of myself. Truthfully, I wouldn’t be able to at all if not for you.” Nagito hums, holding him tighter. “I want it to stop. I want to make all of it stop and it seems as though I know everything there is to know in this world except for _how to do that._ It’s killing me, and quite literally at that. When I’m all by myself with nothing to distract me, I… start thinking about— well, you saw what I was doing when you came in. It only would have gotten worse.”

“Oh, Izuru…” Nagito speaks softly, gently, and starts to stroke his silky black hair. “I don’t… please, forgive me if this is stepping out of line, but I don’t think that’s just boredom.”

“...Explain.”

“I could never put things into words as well as you could, but… sure, the boredom might be one aspect, but it sounds like just one symptom of a deeper problem. It’s nothing _wrong_ with you at all, there isn’t anything wrong with you.” Izuru opens his mouth to protest, but Nagito shushes him with a thumb pressed softly to his lips. “Don’t tell me there is, you know I could go on forever about how wonderful you are.” The light joking, teasing tone in those words makes Izuru feel a little bit better, and he lays his head on Nagito’s shoulder. He still feels it— the crushing boredom, or whatever it may actually be— but the weight of it isn’t so strong when Nagito is holding him. 

“I still don’t quite understand.” It’s fairly rare for him not to understand things, and when it happens, it’s usually things regarding himself. 

“That’s okay. You don’t need to right away. I just think…” Nagito chews his lip, and Izuru can see the gears turning in his head. “...I think you’ve been through a lot, Izuru. I think you’re having a hard time processing it. God knows I can relate to _that,_ aha…” He frowns, nuzzling further into Nagito’s shoulder. He backpedals. “But it’s not about me right now, okay? I just— I want you to know you aren’t alone.” Nagito turns his head, pressing a soft kiss to Izuru’s temple. “...You won’t ever be alone again, as long as I can help it. I promise.” His eyes are stinging again. He feels a tear slip down his cheek. 

“...Why are you so kind to me?” Izuru has never been able to understand this. He’s a monster and a killer and couldn’t possibly even count as a human being anymore, so _why_ did Nagito Komaeda dote on him so? How could he possibly think of himself as lower than Izuru? He feels Nagito shrug.

“Because I love you.” It seemed like far too simple of an answer. How could someone, some _thing_ like him possibly be loved? Izuru finds himself without the energy to ask. He never has the energy for much, but nothing exhausts him like this… _vulnerability._ He just grumbles something incoherent in response. Well _done,_ Izuru. Nagito deserves better than this. He squeezes his eyes shut, feeling more warmth running down his face and finds he’s unable to suppress a pathetic, uncharacteristic little whine. Nagito coos at him, laying back on the bed and pulling the sheets over the two of them. Resting his chin on top of Izuru’s head, he cuddles him close like an oversized teddy bear. 

“I’m sorry.” Izuru chokes out, his chest feeling impossibly tight.

“What for?”

“That you love me. I shouldn’t be loved.” Nagito pulls back to look at him. The sadness on his face almost makes Izuru whimper again.

“Don’t say that, _please_ don’t say that…” Izuru immediately feels a dull ache of guilt in his gut. He hates it when Nagito says similar things about himself, why would he subject his lover to the same thing? Another sign he doesn’t deserve him. But he doesn’t say that. He’ll only make it worse. Nagito settles back down with a sigh, squeezing Izuru a little more tightly. “You deserve good things, like love and care and attention. Just because they’re foreign to you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have them. Your past doesn’t make you less deserving of them.” 

Izuru wants to believe him. He’s desperate to. But he knows what his brain tells him, and his brain is always right. It was built to be, wasn’t it? Nagito will fight it, and he doesn’t want to fight with Nagito. So he just stays quiet, allowing himself to selfishly bask in the devotion of a misguided man. Somehow, for some reason, he knows he makes Nagito happy. It’s the least he can do for him. So he stays. Even though it makes him feel a little better. Even though he doesn’t deserve that.

He would still like to believe what Nagito says about him, someday.

**Author's Note:**

> so i had a breakdown the other night and wrote this because i love to project on mister izuru here (<3 love u king) and impulsively decided to make it everyone elses problem as well bc i felt bad leaving it just in google docs for no one to ever see. ur welcome. this ended up being shorter than i thought it was but ah well. thats how it be when ur writing on ur phone


End file.
